As many of you know I'm well versed in medical and human body matters. Quite a few of our friends call me Dr Pat and call for help with medical problems be it human or animal.
Most of my friends know how much I hate my primary care person.  Currently there is no person to change to.
Today a nurse called me I won't say her name because she is but a puppet in the primary care persons team.
Primary told her to call me because I was "way over due for cervical cancer screening". I said have the rules changed? She says no this is crucial. I said those parts were removed. She says no your primary says they were not.  I said well she is wrong.  So then the nurse goes into full blown the primary is right and I am wrong.
Needless to say it went down hill from there. I told her I touched said area and said part is gone and that was the end of the conversation.
Yes I'm writing my newest complaint.
Primary can clearly see my medical records and so can nurse. I have seen my records and told her exactly what they said.
People that think the military and their families get great free medical are way off their rockers.

This adventure started two and a half years ago.  Our daughter’s friends introduced her to her now husband.   It was a 4H function and I made the new kid work just like all the other kids. I just handed him trash bags and told him to take out trash like the others. Daughter says well now you have met my mom.  He survived.

I did not think he would survive the first trip to the house. He tried to “save her” my husbands horse flipped out and the boy says get back! He had never been around a horse before and thought he would save her.  All he accomplished was to piss her off and she came stomping in from the barn to say he’s gotta go! He is not going to come between me and a horse again.  She is 5’4” and 105 lbs.  Horse is easy 800 lbs. he was young.  Boy is 6’1” and about 150.    So then boy came into house and I said you need to learn a couple things.  NEVER come between her and horse ever again or you will be gone.  She knows horses and she knows what to do.  Her Uncle Joe calls her li’l bit because he saw her punch a 1300 lb horse and tell it to step off and it did.  Now don’t come between her and horse again.  

I will skip to the engagement a year later.  He wanted to propose on New Years Eve. He could not figure out the where and when.   She calls and says hey I am taking the grandkids to the farm and going to go up the hill.  DING DING DING!  The top of the hill is her favorite place at the farm.  He can propose there.  So they take the grandkids up the hill with them for a hike.  The one grand daughter wanted to run back down the hill to chase the horses.  Aunt was saying no and mid NO she turns to see him on knee.  Continuing to yell no at the grand.  Groom always says she told me NO! 

So they came down the hill and she says to her boss who is a jewelry maker.  Look what I found on the hill.  He took it off her finger and promptly ran to his shop with the ring.  We were cracking up because he did not get that she was joking.  He came back with the blue ring and says it’s real!  I wonder who lost it?  She explained and called him blonde.

So at the point of the engagement they new where they would want to get married. It is a military property at a camp ground and there are 13 cabins around it.  So we would wait 5 months to rent the building.  In the mean time we decided that we would rent the cabins too.  This way there would be only us in the area and the grandchildren would be safer.

We waited until 29 May and walked in to rent the building.  We rented it from weds to sun and the cabins weds to Monday morning.  Now the 1 year wait is on.

It was pretty much all left up to me the mom.  She would ask and I would find or I would find and show her something.  Both bride and groom are fulltime college students and have two jobs each.

They both agreed on one thing, they wanted good food.  This means mom cooks. Not a problem at all. We had 3 food handler certified people on site the whole time of cooking and serving.

Over the months we amassed the things we needed to put on a wedding.  Okay we owned most of the stuff already for the catering part of the wedding.

The bride wanted a dress made like this. We bought a dress new from another bride who thought she was a 2 and after baby was not.  The dress we bought was in need of major size alterations and some style changes.  This basically resulted in taking entire dress apart and just using the fabric to build another dress.  Once again this was not a problem because I use to make custom wedding gowns.  Trust me from scratch is so much easier than to take one apart and build a new one.

There were flowers she loved down by the border on the AZ side.  I went on a vacation to see the grands and shipped a box of flowers home.  I came home and made all the bouquets, bouts and corsages.  I was happy to have those done and in a box so early.

We hired a DJ and a photographer a year out.  This way we could get them paid off early too.

I made mad libs for the guests to fill out and some are very funny.

We made candy which tastes like almond bark, dyed it to match her colors of lime and turquoise.

She finally picked her music for the DJ and finally called the organist.

As you probably guessed, I like everything done early she loves to procrastinate.

We got the meat in Jan. It was cryo packed and in a box, we threw it in the freezer.

We ordered chicken from Kroger. Everyone loved it.

 

I will get down to the week before the wedding.

Our sons x wife was booked on a flight with the grands.  Well it appears they got into a pissing match and she decided not to fly (at our expense) and screw us with the tickets.   Then son called to say he would have come if he was invited.  He forgets he called to find out all flight info etc. months ago when he got the invite.  So their pissing match resulted in neither of them coming.  Oh well that’s on them.

My best friend and her son came on Thursday night 23 May, it was great and I knew she would be lots of help as always.   My mom showed up on 25 May with our friend.   Everyone was coming in early to see the grands that did not fly.  Oh well that one is not on me.  We will not discuss this again until after the wedding.

We laughed for the next few days and did basically nothing for the wedding because it was all done.  I did take time to buy wedding insurance.

Weds 29 May we went to the camp ground to sign into the hall and cabins.  The woman says there is a problem.   Yes you do have a heart attack at this point. One of the cabins had a critter (ground hog)  chew the elect out of it underground.  But you can still have that cabin.  Hummm?  No elect?  Well we will give you two RV’s they are fully elect and shower A/C kitchen etc.   Okay that works great but now I have to figure out who I am putting in those RV’s because I have a family booked for now broken cabin. We had guests from 11 states. We had friends come help us and we could not have done it without them.  My aunt said well I can tell you have worked with those people before.

I pull horse trailer to Hall and they start to unload.  I take other truck back to office to straighten out cabin/rv stuff.   I get there and the guy says you still owe some money.  Yes because two of the cabins occupants are paying today I will just pay for them now it is $460.  He says no it is $1480. Hummm nope! It is $460.   I started pulling piles of receipts out.   The lady says are these all credit card?  I said no some are cash.  She says take the amount she says she owes she has all these receipts.  Come to find out the nice lady that had been taking the money over the past year had been pocketing the cash.  I am so glad I save every piece of paper I ever get.  SAVE YOUR RECEIPTS!

We got checked in and I went home for next load of stuff, this trip would consist of all the bedding, towels etc. for the cabins. We had to provide everything for cabins.  This was not a problem but we just needed to get that to the cabins.  Plus their welcome box.  

While at home my cell phone rings. My brother and family are already heading to the campground.  Another friend was already at campground.  I will be out in 30 min.   Well that 30 soon turned to 2 hours. Some of you may remember a month ago we had to go home to my moms to deal with a flooding situation.  Marseilles Illinois flooded and it was going to flood again. So now comes the fun.  I need to not get my mother all excited and spinning out of control. I need to get someone in the house to remove stuff from the basement.  I try to call my brother who is at the camp ground and there is no signal at the campground.  I get people going to house.   I have my husband get my brother to a place with a signal and he is getting someone to house with a pump. We have people taking care of house in Illinois but are now about 4 hours behind schedule on getting stuff ready at the hall. We get tables set up and are moving.  They have broken into house because no one could find the key.

Weds 29 May. We are having friends come in to cook Navajo tacos.  They can’t get the pans hot enough on the grill to fry so they move inside.  They do not turn on exhaust fan.  It is a little smokey over the stove so I flip on exhaust fan and it is not working.  Sounds like someone threw a bucket of bolts into it.  With that the fire alarms go off.  Evacuate the building.  I just laugh. We put in big fans and exhaust the smoke from the kitchen and they keep cooking.  I already know that the fire trucks are coming from the nearby military post.  I go to call 911 and the phone is not working, I figure I can tell them it is not a fire.  So I finally get a phone that can get a signal out there and walk until it does and call 911 which goes to the county and ask for the military post 911 and tell the lady where I am and she says you have an alarm going off.   Yes Ma’am there is and I just wanted you to know there is no fire. Of course this means they can slow down but does not mean they can stop because they have to physically code the alarm into the box in the building.  They were really great, let us finish cooking.  We gave them to go order of Navajo Tacos and they left. 

We all ate a wonderful dinner and had lots of fun.   That night we set up a few tables and tried to organize some of the decorations in groups on the tables.  Before we left at 11 I put on a crock pot of hash browns, eggs, sausage and cheese. 

Thurs 30 May we had breakfast.  Then the cooking began. We set up more tables and tried to organize ourselves.  All the young kids were just great. They played at the playground. They played badmitten and bags.  

The adult MOH had to take a test for college.  So they came to the house to use the computer and waitied for the roses from Costco to arrive.

The flowers arrived and I got them all prepped and today 6/5 they are still beautiful.

Thursday night we had a TX BBQ.  Our good friend and saddle man came to cook for us.  We had grillin strips.  Obama turkeys (Cornish game hens), fajitas, OOPs I forgot the sweet potato fire.  I put them on the grill.  I normally wrap them twice.  Well I told someone else how to wrap them.  I forgot the twice part.  The butter ran out and caused a huge fire.  My nephew came to say aunt there is a fire.  I went running.  I wear a knee brace with a bar in it.  I ran and got food moved and fire out.  Put them in a pan and let them cook on the other side.  I walked by my aunt and she says I like mine well done please.  I said I am working on the other side now.      

Anyway we had a wonderful meal.  I mean a omg I am stuffed meal for the second night.

Friday we set up for the wedding and finished cooking.  I am not saying this were not confusing or not insane. But it was all managed as usual.

Friday night was the rehearsal.  I had ordered early and my best friend went to pick up.  We had salads  and broiled chicken for the celiac person and pizzas and soda.   Our friend from TX made peach cobbler too.    I get a call once my family gets back to the hall and they say the cake looks like shit, the humidity was killing it.  I got back and mended cake and the fondant was still sagging.  I put it back in place and put it in the freezer until the cake cutting the next day.

Saturday was a little insane.  The bride, her adult MOH, two little MOH and myself came back to the house to get ready and all of us dressed but the bride. It was POURING.  I mean hella rain! Thank God I had ordered 12 turquoise 60” umbrellas and that they came in on time.

We escaped the house via the garage so we could just open the back of the vehicle and throw the wedding gown in and keep it dry. Of course I had ordered a huge gown bag for it months ago.

We got to the church and I found in a box in the vehicle. The knives for the cake.  The markers for the bench.  So they were sent back to venue right after wedding.   

Instead of a guest book we used a wooden bench with the wrought iron legs and back.  We had people sign it in black perm marker and I will put a few coats of poly over it so the signatures wont wear off.

For the silverware and napkin I sealed a plain white envelope then cut off the end of the envelope. Then I put a piece of double sided tape on the front and put a package of wild flower seeds on it.  Slid in the napkin and the fork and knife.   We put these are each seat because I hate to carry silverware from a buffet.  Under  each envelope we put the mad lib and then pens were on the tables.

At the church before the wedding the photographers took the bride outside with those turquoise umbrellas to take some pics.  We got the men dressed and their ties on. 

I had taken my grandmas rosary that was given to me years ago.  I tied to it my dads wedding ring, my grandmas wedding ring.  My other grandmas wedding ring (one the bride was using for her wedding ring). My sons cross he use to wear. Our friends guardian angel pin and the heart pendant that the brides great grandpa had made out of the window of a B29 bomber when he was in the war for great grandma for their wedding day.   This was our nod to the people who had passed away.    I told the photographer what all these pieces were and then it came time to put it on the bouquet and let the bride see it.   It was the one moment that she was about to cry.  I had to walk away and get my tissue.  It was really hard for us not having her brother there.   Not to mention the one who chose not to be there.

The grooms brother showed up at the wedding, I touched his arm and said thank you for coming and he yanked it away.  On the way out I asked if he was coming to reception and he was NOT COMING!!! Douche bag!  Shocked really that he even showed up at all.  Long back story there.

Wedding was beautiful. The bride was happy in her boots.

All the way between church and reception venue I prayed to every deceased family member and God to stop the rain. We got to the venue and it was raining!   As the bride and groom arrived the rain stopped and stayed clear the rest of the night.  Thank you God and family!

We had hired a lady from church and her two daughters to set the buffet and keep it full. They ROCKED!!!

We had the DJ from 3-7 and he knew he would play later as long as we said okay.  The grandchildren were having so much fun.  When it came time for the 7 o’clock hour I said oh yes.  At 8 he came to me again and I turned to 9 yr old grand daughter and she says yes play.  Next hour I asked 8 yr old grand daughter and she says keep playing,  next hour I asked 7 yr old grand daughter and so on.  He was cracking up that I did not care about the cost.  No the kids are having fun so let them.   I am sure they all slept all night.

It was 11 and the DJ was taking down his stuff. He was paid.  And we were on clean up. We got the tables stripped except two that held all the candles etc.   and 3 tables for breakfast on Sunday. 

So off to bed at 12 and up at 0630.  This is my normal up time so it was no different than a day on the farm other than no poop to shovel.  I was up and cooking before anyone was there.  We had pancakes, sausage biscut rolls, omlet in a bag, tortillas fresh cooked, milk, coffee, fruit, biscuts,  apple butter, jelly.  Everyone had a great time. All the people that stayed in the cabins ate and all the people in the hotel  came to eat.  

Now it was time for the real clean up and time to bring in the horse trailer to get the stuff out.  We had so much food left over.  We gave some to friends who were helping us and froze a lot.  So we have stuff to eat for a long time.

The things that we did not do.   I did not use those nice containers to make lemonade or tea.  So those are left overs too.

I decided to sell all catering stuff once this was over.  I keep saying I am going to put 1000 votives and tall candle holders, table cloths, EVERYTHING on craigslist.  Of course my mother chimed in that was not safe.  So my bestie keeps saying yes she is going to put them on craigs list but only meet the people in a dark alley.   We just crack up.

I am sure there is something I forgot.

Ahhh the menu.   Cake white for them to cut.   Cakes lemon, chocolate, carrot, brownies.   Food for reception.  10 different kinds of dips.  Ranging  from  mild to owie.  Fried chicken, roasted chicken, top round, broccoli salad, cole slaw, pasta salad, potato salad, baked beans, pea salad, fruit salad.  Our friends thought it was prime rib and they own a restaurant.  I was happy everyone liked the food.  We kept the buffet full the entire night.

I must add that RSVP's are a turkey shoot.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On Sunday we took 16 people out for German Food. We wanted to do this as a thank you for all their help and for them coming to the wedding.  They were the only ones that stayed until Monday or longer.

bill paying

Okay I know this is hard to believe but my dog ate the bills. Yep the whole stack of them.
I called the hospital that I owe $25.00. Left a message and they called me back today.  It went like this.
This is the hospital you said you wanted to pay a bill?
Yes
what is the date of the billing?
I don't know my dog ate the bills.
what is the account number?
account number?
Yes ma'am I need your account number.
Please let me go back and state again that my dog ate the bills.
oh ok what kind of dogs do you have?
what kind of dogs do I have?
yes.
okay shepherd rotties.
oh those are big dogs
humm yeah. So can I pay my bill
oh yes please give me your account number.
My account number?
Yes.
My daughter then screams well it is laying right in front of you mom just give it to her.
the woman says I can wait for you to read it to me.
I say well it is sitting right in front of me. but in my dogs intestine someplace. So reading it will be hard to do.
oh I guess it will be.  so what is your name,  blaaaa blaaa. your address blaaa blaaa.  your date of birth bla bla bla.  How much do you owe?  I believe it is 25 dollars not the 20 grand one.  Oh ok the lady says,  I will be happy to take your payment, what is your account number?
At this point my eyes have rolled back in my head and my daughter is cracking up. 
Once again my dog ate the bills. I can not read them, I do not have x ray vision.  Can you take a payment or not. 
Oh sure what is your credit card number.   

I really wanted to say the dog ate it too.

How stupid can one get?

So a friends almost 19 year old sons email sends out the spam that we have all been getting.  You know the one for viagra, cialis etc.   The mother who gets the email writes the following to the father 5000 miles away.

Ter,
maybe I'm reading too much into this... Cody sent this to me and I'm quite sure by accident. Notice the link address has nothing to do with what really comes up so its a cover.


He needs to get away from that damn place. Please talk to him, not scold him. This is the kind of shit that will take Cody away from us.

Get into his head about drugs and sex. He's too immature for this stuff and it worries me.
Wen



Okay we all know at this point the mother is an idiot and we have to pull the stupid card out on her.  The following is the response to the mothers email from the father.



OMG!!! I found his stockpile of Viagra!!! He took a couple and has been walking around with a boner for a week! They sent him home from work Sunday because a 70 year old lady was offended when he tried to slip by her and rubbed his junk accross her back. I dont know what to do. Some of the addresses he sent it to are his teachers!! A couple are women, but one is a guy!!! What can it mean???


Or, it could be junk e-mail that reads your address book and spams everyone in it.... Just a thought.

So how are you doin'?

T

I share this with you all so that you will know what to do when you get one of these emails in your inbox.  Please do not do what Wen did and panic, run screaming in the streets and send your x an email freaking out.  Or you will look like more of an idiot than you already are.

Insane religion. Stay away from my house!

To the Two guys who just rang my door bell. It is below 20 degrees. Your religion hates you and is trying to kill you. Try being Catholic, we drive, drink and celebrate birthdays and halloween! Yes I was home, nope I did not answer my door. Yep my dogs would have eaten you and your back pack. Have a nice day and get a hat and gloves. Stay off my hill!

December is for Doctors not Christmas

I started December with a routine Ct Scan.  It is a yearly thing that I must do to check the kidney since the cancer surgery. 6 Dec drink that crap.  Yep they are trying to poison me.  7 Dec. Ct scan, the tech was great and it was over in a flash.  Your report will be done Thursday or Friday.  Okay no big deal right?  Just routine.
8 Dec first thing in the morning my phone rings. When your primary care person says don't panic or stress out. Well the first thing that comes to my mind is to do BOTH and really quick!  They found a mass. Now knowing I have been coughing for weeks figured it was lung.  Nope it was kidney. Same kidney infact that you only have part of.  When you go to the urologist let me know what they say.  Nice that I had already planned an appointment for the next week.  Not like my NP was going to find one for me.
In my usual calm manner I freaked the heck out.  Waited 2 hours and called husband and freaked out more. He came right home and we went running to get films, reports. blood work paperwork etc.  I called the urology people that I had made that next week appt with and they got me in the next day.
Walking into the urology office the nurse promptly says oh did you ever have one of those days where you just smile all day because you would rather cry?  REALLY? WTF do you think I am here for?  Then she takes ye old blood pressure and tells me I need to calm down.  NO you need to get me a doctor and when you tell me this mass is nothing I will calm down.
After looking at two sets of ct scans the dr "thinks" it is a cyst. But we need to look into it more. Call and make an appointment when you get all the records. 
Oh yeah that took two calls,  the records were faxed that afternoon.  I waited 1.5 weeks for the cd and report of the MRI.
That afternoon I went to see the cardiologist.  Lets say the bp was high still.  Not quite as bad there. The doctor was a douche bag,  he was the true meaning of a person who thinks he is better than you.  We did not hit it off.
Shots in both knees at knee doctor.
Stress test and echocardiogram scheduled for the next week. Two different days of course and then the results later next week.   So the guy who did the chemical stress test was way adhd.  said yes sir yes sir yes sir after everything that was said.  I am gonna hook you up to this yes sir yes sir yes sir.   hummm ocd much?  Then I was getting upset I had checked earlier that morning and I was female there and this guy is calling me sir?  Was it the dye? Was it the fact my bp was 170/100?   Yes it went down after I survived that test.  OMG the want to puke is amazing.  Next time I will crawl on the tredmil if I have to.
Of course I had went to the cardio people because I was having chest wall pain(outside) and my family history sucks.   So I go the next day to the echocardiogram guy and he pushed on my chest wall for 30 min.  yeppers it feels good and it is even more fun when you hear him clicking like a mad man and ask what he is measuring?  Oh you have a leak.  Well let me tell you at that point I about had a bladder leak too!  He goes onto say why is your bp so high.  Well if you ever said anything good to me when I come in here it would maybe be lower?
So at this point I have managed to be at the doctors 9 days sometimes two appts a day.
Friday time to make the cookies. 
Monday back to the doctors,  this was my regular np to try to update her on stuff but oh no we can't do that because the computers are down.  Cool start writing.
I have had this cough now 4 weeks it gets horrible.  She says well I think you need to go get your vocal cords checked.  NO!  I am not going to one more doctor at this point. I need to take care of these two doctors before I add anything to the mix.  She says not to let it go over 6 weeks.  yes ma'am yes ma'am three bags full.
So friday the mri cd came.  waiting at the house for ups for a week and they deliver to the mail box at the road.  Thank you ups no honk no call.  Yep my number was on the front of the package in big font!
Van stuck in mud.  sat van pulled from mud.  Car gets flat.
So monday morning right after the doctors appt I call the urologist for an appt.  Weds 3:15.  wow I am thinking I can get this all done. car flat only took just under 2 hours to repair.
Tuesday morning I am eating breakfast,  I have cardiologist this afternoon in the freezing rain. Same stuff we have been dealing with for the past week, lovely weather.  Close everything except my doctors office.  The phone rings and urologist wants to cancel my appointment for tomorrow (weds)  NO!  We don't have all the records.   I have the mri in my purse just like I explained yesterday on the phone and David had the TX reports faxed same day a week ago.
So today I go to the cardiologist,  then tomorrow I go to the urologist.  I am sure by time this is all over I can check into the insaneologist.

Repair people

Thursday was the most expensive day I have had in a long time and did not even leave the house.




I called a repair person I wont say what house system needed help, I have some odd conscience about hurting this persons feelings. I am sure there are thousands just like him.
The repair person called me back and said he would be out in the afternoon. I kept hearing some noise in the phone. I assumed it was a kid, daughter thought it was a dog. If you knew our friends dog Shatzy you would understand why she said it was a dog.

Repair man shows up on schedule, hello and let me show you to the basement. So walking around the house I hear WOOHOO! Now of course I think I must be looking good today. Then I quickly found out this person has tourettes syndrome. OMG could someone have warned me before it broke my heart to know it was not my nice butt? Anyway. This person could carry on a conversation then a woohoo would pop out at a decibel that was deafening. His tongue would make Gene Simmons Jealous and it would dart to the side his eyes rolled up in his head and his head would cock sideways. So this went on for a while. about 2 hours to be exact. The most fun part of this was that he turned to me while trying to figure out what was wrong and said what do you think? Think? Your kidding? Nope he was not. I think your the repair man and I think if you don't know I am scared! I promptly went outside and got a rope and put it around my neck, heck its near Halloween let me hang.

As the repair went on and I apparently became the assistant, he handed me things to clean them out. Okay I am pretty handy but how do you expect me to clean them out?
WOOHOO! WOOHOO! WOOHOO!

Then I was told to call ++++ and ask her how much the part would cost? ME? Let me call and you can talk?!. Nope I asked ++++ and found out the cost of said parts. We got the thing fixed. Yes I said WE because I had become the workers helper, so I can say WE.

I did love the math as apparently they went to school in my home town with the same math teachers I had and their math sucked! Saved me a couple hundred dollars.

As soon as this system started working I said woohoo. Oh crap did I just offend this man? It was totally not my intention at all. I was just excited to have this system working correctly for once.

Tip for workers,  just let me know you have something like tourettes so I wont get my hopes up when your walking behind me screaming WOOHOO!  I can handle the tourettes I can not however handle the heart break to find out your not woohooing my nice butt.