Saturday, July 31, 2010

Tips for dating our daughter.

While talking to a old friend the other night we were discussing that her daughters boyfriend dumped her. Jackass comes to mind. Then again he was never good enough for her daughter anyway. Having daughters myself and having many neices and friends, we have been through this many times and we thought this list may help out prospective boyfriends.

1. You will come to the door to pick her up. Don't honk in the driveway and expect her to beat me out the door. Ain't gonna happen. You will meet husband or myself instantly, pray it's me. He is really BIG!

2. You can honk in the driveway if both legs are broken, try number 1 and see how that works out for you.

3. Your pants will fit, if not I have many air nailers to help them fit.

4. If you get as far as to be invited into my home your hat better fly off your head like a F-16 was going over.

5. Do not bother to even ask her out if you chew or smoke. I may just have to help your pants fit better. #3.

6. Tatoos and peircings are out. If your momma did not teach you better than to color on yourself that is not my problem and when you drink milk at my house I don't want to see it squirting out some damn hole in your face.

7. For God's sake don't mumble. Much safer to make sure I heard you right that assume you just insulted us or our daughter.

8. You will show our daughter respect at all times. If not I will use that nice little finish nailer on your balls. Your right I like power tools.

9. Do never call our daughter names. Daddy may be quiet until now. But I have seen him pissed and you really want to be right with your God and have your Will in order if you ever get him pissed. Daddy is not into power tools. Have you seen his fist? Probably as big as your head. When I say run well it will be too late sorry his reflexes are better than mine and I am sure I will be laughing too hard to yell run!

10. Don't lie about our daughter. If you do, well 1,3,8, and 9 now that might not be the playing order but we also reserve the right to think up a few more. Lets just say your not leaving with your balls. You thought I had a collection, your right!

11. Don't keep our daughter past curfew. Oh yeah she old enough to date. She is old enough to make her own decisions. We are old enough to go to prison, just remember that we don't care either. Three hots and a cot.

12. Touching, well lets just roll the dice on that one. You roll the dice and we get to do to you what ever number comes up and whatever else we want. Heck the job market is bad, in prison you get a job. Three hots and a cot. Remember we don't care.

13. You have to respect this country and the military, if you don't I suggest you act like a mouse and run as fast as you can out the door. Quick real quick! See keeping your mouth shut on this one did not even do you any good. We saw your hat on your head and your hand down when they played the National Anthem. Sorry the nails will not come out of your hand and your hand looks good over your heart. Permanently.

14. God, well needless to say you better not only respect him but you better fear him, because he put these parents on earth to protect their children. I believe he has a sense of humor. Who do you think got me my nail guns?

15. Do not think your staying at our house unless you are really into sleeping in the same room as my husband. I will be in daughters room with big dogs and real guns and a bad attitude, I like sleeping in my bed and if you have put me out I am already pissed. Think twice about this one.

16. Shall we go onto drinking and or drugs? We are saying NO! I can smell a beer in chicken and tell you what kind they used. Do not think for one second I wont smell it on you. #9 comes to mind.

17. In addition to 16 don't think for one second that I will not run the dogs through your car just for kicks. Oh yeah same dogs I don't know how to call off when they are pissed.

18. Back to #8, Respect goes without saying, Our daughters have many Uncles and Brothers who get pissed when their neice/sister is messed with. I have heard the old saying I have some good old boys who will dig a shallow one for a six pack. Mine will do it for a 3 pack, shallow hell they will pile drive you into the ground. There is the Uncle who likes explosives. Either way Tina Turner was not the only one into RESPECT!

19. You better have a job. She has animals and they get treated better than we do. Which means if your dying of pneumonia and the horse needs a bag of treats. Well what kind of flowers do you like? Yep those are the ones I am sending to your funeral. The horse will get the treats before you get the treatment.

20. You better know how to muck a stall and saddle a horse. Not that she would ever let you touch her horse but you should know just incase. I am sure there will be a quiz on this one.  She works harder than most men, be prepared for a day at the barn or in the pasture. She will promptly tell you to come back when you grow a set if you can't keep up with her.

21. Hair and personal hygene. I am sure my daughter has already picked you for these things. But just incase I have a pair of clippers. So what if they were used on sheep and the dog. It wont hurt a bit hahahaha. I also have a wire brush. So hold still or we can revert back to #3 I am sorta fond of my air tools.

22. I feel we need to go back to #3 and add a little side note. I will never see your drawers, underwear, boxers, or what ever the hell you want to call them. I also will not see any crack. I will super glue your crack shut and then nail your pants up right where I think they should be, got it Steve Urkel? If your too young for that one I suggest you do a google on that name and get the picture real quick.

23. Do not think that you and daughter are leaving town, as in running away because your so in love or heat. I just laugh at this point because you have no idea who my friends are and we will go back to #18 at this time.

24. Do not try to keep my daughter away from her friends or family. We are very close. You on the other hand are an outsider. YOU WILL NOT WIN! Let us reflect on #14 at this time. God is my friend.

25. Saving the best for last,  If you ever hit/shove/push or throw anything at our daughter, well there will be no words spoken,  I will beat you to death with my bare hands. Got it? Three hots and a cot.

26. Now I think that you have gotten the hint. Do not hurt our little girls. They have family that will get very ugly all over you. When I say ALL OVER I really mean it as in every square inch, every pore. I believe in God and I believe in HELL and I will personally deliver you there if you hurt my child. Any questions?

27. Daddy says remember we shoot first and ask questions later.

28. Daughter loves the list.  Says 1 tat is a maybe.  But the big thing is you better be able to debate.  hahahaha we call it hold your own in an argument with her.  She says it is debate the issues (look up Lincoln/Douglas. We think it could be argue to the death?  I think she is going to be a member of congress, lawyer, or president.  She will admit when she is wrong.

29. To the 20 something guy that was hitting on her today,  you should have read this blog first. Pay close attention to #5 and come back next never she says.

30. There are so many tips in here... Food, Yes she is a little thing. You might think she is a salad kind of girl. Let me wake you up a little I have seen this young woman eat 4 hours on one filet of King Salmon. Yes 4 hours enjoying every little bite of it. No she is not a slow eater. The whole Salmon was 58 lbs.  We finally took the food away from her.
Oh and believe me she is not a vegetarian.  She believes if it walks across her plate and moo's she will stab it, cut a hunk off it and eat it. 
Which brings me to the fact that one day you will possibly want to take her to dinner.  This could be a problem.  She will always come with her own ability to pay for HER meal.  She will order what she wants to eat. And if she is really hungry keep your hands out of her way.
Do never try to out hot her at a Mexican restaurant. She is not going to eat at Taco Bell either.
She may decide to order that pie first and your going to say your eating dessert before your meal and she is going to tell you she might die before dessert.  You have so much to learn. 
Oh if she gets over hungry,  it could go a couple ways,  she might not feel well, or she will get UGLY mean.  Trust me you better hope they both don't happen at the same time.
31. Facial hair,  well all I can say is NO. She calls them bugs.

Of course this is all posted for entertainment value.  hahahahaa I still have humor.
If I have forgotten anything please feel free to comment at your leisure.