Tuesday, December 21, 2010

December is for Doctors not Christmas

I started December with a routine Ct Scan.  It is a yearly thing that I must do to check the kidney since the cancer surgery. 6 Dec drink that crap.  Yep they are trying to poison me.  7 Dec. Ct scan, the tech was great and it was over in a flash.  Your report will be done Thursday or Friday.  Okay no big deal right?  Just routine.
8 Dec first thing in the morning my phone rings. When your primary care person says don't panic or stress out. Well the first thing that comes to my mind is to do BOTH and really quick!  They found a mass. Now knowing I have been coughing for weeks figured it was lung.  Nope it was kidney. Same kidney infact that you only have part of.  When you go to the urologist let me know what they say.  Nice that I had already planned an appointment for the next week.  Not like my NP was going to find one for me.
In my usual calm manner I freaked the heck out.  Waited 2 hours and called husband and freaked out more. He came right home and we went running to get films, reports. blood work paperwork etc.  I called the urology people that I had made that next week appt with and they got me in the next day.
Walking into the urology office the nurse promptly says oh did you ever have one of those days where you just smile all day because you would rather cry?  REALLY? WTF do you think I am here for?  Then she takes ye old blood pressure and tells me I need to calm down.  NO you need to get me a doctor and when you tell me this mass is nothing I will calm down.
After looking at two sets of ct scans the dr "thinks" it is a cyst. But we need to look into it more. Call and make an appointment when you get all the records. 
Oh yeah that took two calls,  the records were faxed that afternoon.  I waited 1.5 weeks for the cd and report of the MRI.
That afternoon I went to see the cardiologist.  Lets say the bp was high still.  Not quite as bad there. The doctor was a douche bag,  he was the true meaning of a person who thinks he is better than you.  We did not hit it off.
Shots in both knees at knee doctor.
Stress test and echocardiogram scheduled for the next week. Two different days of course and then the results later next week.   So the guy who did the chemical stress test was way adhd.  said yes sir yes sir yes sir after everything that was said.  I am gonna hook you up to this yes sir yes sir yes sir.   hummm ocd much?  Then I was getting upset I had checked earlier that morning and I was female there and this guy is calling me sir?  Was it the dye? Was it the fact my bp was 170/100?   Yes it went down after I survived that test.  OMG the want to puke is amazing.  Next time I will crawl on the tredmil if I have to.
Of course I had went to the cardio people because I was having chest wall pain(outside) and my family history sucks.   So I go the next day to the echocardiogram guy and he pushed on my chest wall for 30 min.  yeppers it feels good and it is even more fun when you hear him clicking like a mad man and ask what he is measuring?  Oh you have a leak.  Well let me tell you at that point I about had a bladder leak too!  He goes onto say why is your bp so high.  Well if you ever said anything good to me when I come in here it would maybe be lower?
So at this point I have managed to be at the doctors 9 days sometimes two appts a day.
Friday time to make the cookies. 
Monday back to the doctors,  this was my regular np to try to update her on stuff but oh no we can't do that because the computers are down.  Cool start writing.
I have had this cough now 4 weeks it gets horrible.  She says well I think you need to go get your vocal cords checked.  NO!  I am not going to one more doctor at this point. I need to take care of these two doctors before I add anything to the mix.  She says not to let it go over 6 weeks.  yes ma'am yes ma'am three bags full.
So friday the mri cd came.  waiting at the house for ups for a week and they deliver to the mail box at the road.  Thank you ups no honk no call.  Yep my number was on the front of the package in big font!
Van stuck in mud.  sat van pulled from mud.  Car gets flat.
So monday morning right after the doctors appt I call the urologist for an appt.  Weds 3:15.  wow I am thinking I can get this all done. car flat only took just under 2 hours to repair.
Tuesday morning I am eating breakfast,  I have cardiologist this afternoon in the freezing rain. Same stuff we have been dealing with for the past week, lovely weather.  Close everything except my doctors office.  The phone rings and urologist wants to cancel my appointment for tomorrow (weds)  NO!  We don't have all the records.   I have the mri in my purse just like I explained yesterday on the phone and David had the TX reports faxed same day a week ago.
So today I go to the cardiologist,  then tomorrow I go to the urologist.  I am sure by time this is all over I can check into the insaneologist.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Repair people

Thursday was the most expensive day I have had in a long time and did not even leave the house.

I called a repair person I wont say what house system needed help, I have some odd conscience about hurting this persons feelings. I am sure there are thousands just like him.
The repair person called me back and said he would be out in the afternoon. I kept hearing some noise in the phone. I assumed it was a kid, daughter thought it was a dog. If you knew our friends dog Shatzy you would understand why she said it was a dog.

Repair man shows up on schedule, hello and let me show you to the basement. So walking around the house I hear WOOHOO! Now of course I think I must be looking good today. Then I quickly found out this person has tourettes syndrome. OMG could someone have warned me before it broke my heart to know it was not my nice butt? Anyway. This person could carry on a conversation then a woohoo would pop out at a decibel that was deafening. His tongue would make Gene Simmons Jealous and it would dart to the side his eyes rolled up in his head and his head would cock sideways. So this went on for a while. about 2 hours to be exact. The most fun part of this was that he turned to me while trying to figure out what was wrong and said what do you think? Think? Your kidding? Nope he was not. I think your the repair man and I think if you don't know I am scared! I promptly went outside and got a rope and put it around my neck, heck its near Halloween let me hang.

As the repair went on and I apparently became the assistant, he handed me things to clean them out. Okay I am pretty handy but how do you expect me to clean them out?

Then I was told to call ++++ and ask her how much the part would cost? ME? Let me call and you can talk?!. Nope I asked ++++ and found out the cost of said parts. We got the thing fixed. Yes I said WE because I had become the workers helper, so I can say WE.

I did love the math as apparently they went to school in my home town with the same math teachers I had and their math sucked! Saved me a couple hundred dollars.

As soon as this system started working I said woohoo. Oh crap did I just offend this man? It was totally not my intention at all. I was just excited to have this system working correctly for once.

Tip for workers,  just let me know you have something like tourettes so I wont get my hopes up when your walking behind me screaming WOOHOO!  I can handle the tourettes I can not however handle the heart break to find out your not woohooing my nice butt.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Just a simple drive into town.

Okay one of the readers heard us screaming with laughter on the phone when this happened. 
We were driving into town,  the suv coming towards us at 55 mph. His hood flew up and mashed into his window,  firmly planted in the windsheild the driver kept driving.  about two farms later he pulled over to the left  yes I said LEFT  he crossed the middle and parked.  We passed cracking up.  okay it was not funny it was dangerous.  IT WAS HYSTERICAL!!!
Please people of KY do some vehicle maintenance.

Friday, August 20, 2010

It really has to be a KY thing, state not the jelly.

Tonight while buying wormer for the horses, that would be EQUINE WORMER, the genuis cashier grown woman says oh I have horses too.  Do you have horses? Yes.  What are you going to use this on? cows, goats or what?  MY KIDS I respond,  She says OH I have never heard of it used on kids before. This has to be one of those shows that tape stupid crap where Howie Mandel pops out right?  Nope she was serious.  I paid and walked out.

This brings me back to the time at Walmart, I ran into get bacon, just one lb of bacon and hubby ran in with me.  I put the bacon on the belt and the kid cashier says Oh we makin bacon today?  My husband just turned and walked away, he knew something was going to come ouf ot my mouth.  I said nope not having sex today we have company paid and walked out.    Why do people say this stuff to me?

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Our new foals wrote this letter back to the rescue today.

Dear family. We are fine, we like our new home. We have one BIG brother his name is Leroy. Our new mom caught him stealing our hay, we did not mind sharing but he got in trouble and mom and dad moved the white fence. The one that zaps your butt if you back into it being stubborn.

Yesterday we learned to pick up our feet, not sure why this was a good thing. Milagro thinks they are trying to teach us ballet too. Well Jasmine was being a brat and the new sister Mary told her to quit acting like a mare. She thought that meant she was gonna run the whole town but I explained that it meant she was a girl not a mayor. She is not very good at spelling words.

The big parents put more tape on my bandage last night, it is staying on well they said.

We like the fans, the dad turned them down they were so fast we were gonna take flight. The big brother likes to stay in his room next to our bedroom and talk to us but the new sister Mary kicks him out and then she gets on his back and rides him. She says our day is coming in a few years.

The parents hooked ropes to our chins last night and they said we did really good at walking around. They asked us if we wanted to go outside and walk but we said no. So we walked around our bedroom. After our walk we took a nap. They said we are getting very good at napping.

We like the food, they give us two kinds of water here, one is regular water and the other has electrolytes in it. Okay if you look back up this letter that white fence is electric. we were not going to drink water that would zap us but the sister girl explained we need it if we are sweating a lot. So we drank some and it did not zap us.

Now we are waiting for the farrier. Now this was a huge thing. Jasmine thought it was a fairy like the tooth fairy. I knew it was a gay person. Then the girl said no it is not a tooth fairy and it is not a gay person. Wow we have a lot to learn here. She told us that a farrier is a person who trims our toe nails. They said he is a very nice man and he wont give us a shot either. They tell us that is the reason we had to learn to pick up our feet, not ballet. he was suppose to come but Mary had school so now they need to make another day. We were worried about having to go to school too. But they said we wont have to go to school like mary does.

We have lots of family too, our grandma is going to come visit in a couple weeks. Our new mom says the grandma wont ever come to the barn, I think we have to go in the house to visit her. The little kids called, the mom calls them the grands. Jasmine says she wants to move before that little girl comes, she is going to teach us to read! and Karate, I think that is another one of those on one foot things like ballet.

Well we better go now, it is time for our nap, our new family says we nap the best! love Milagro and Jasmine

Hoofdate 8/21/10
Okay I am sure the mom told you that the farrier came to give us pretty hooves. I was good, Milagro was bad, No I wasn't! yes you were yes you were!

This morning there was a storm and Jasmine got all scared, no it was you not me! Okay maybe both of us did. But the dad and the girl came running to the barn to check on us. Good thing because we broke our water bucket and the dad had to go to the garage for another one. We still had that electric water in the other bucket but we like the regular water best unless it is really hot.

After the family went to church they came out to play with us. Dad and the girl came first the mom was making rice for the dogs. I think they are chinese dogs, they are always eating rice.

When the mom came out she petted us and then we had to put on those rope things and do the merry go round in our bedroom again. I am getting really good at backing up, so am I! He always thinks he gets to talk first. No I don't! Yes you do yes you do!

The parents opened the door to our bedroom and we did not want to go out. The big horse got to stay in his bedroom so why can't we? Jasmine did something bad hahahahaha. No I didn't! uh huh you did! No I didn't!

We did not want to go outside the bedroom with the parents so the girl brought her friend Leroy in the alley to tell us it was okay, So I went out first because girls are always more bravest than boys! uh uh you went out because you were nosey and girls are always more nosey!

Oh my that big horse was in a horrible accident. She lost all her teats but one! hahahahhahahaha Jasmine tried to get milk off the big horse hahahahaha she did not know it was a boy horse hahahaha. The boy horse was very nice and did not kick her but if she tries that with me I am gonna go kung fu on her!

Okay quit teasing me I am just little. But you were a fraidy cat and would not go out of the bedroom with the mom and I went first with the dad because I am not scared. Boys are chickens!

But I went too she just pushed me and I was trying to be a gentleman and let her go out first.

We went outside with the big horse and HE is HUGE! He is like a giant! The mom says she is going to send you the picture when we are done writing this email. Good Night Jasmine and Milagro

Dear family, Thank you so much for the shotter things. It was a little hard without thumbs to give them but we worked together and got it done. Mom, Dad and Mary came to the barn with them and said they were going to wrap Milagros belly again, we jumped them and gave them each a shot. Dad was easy he went right to sleep. Mary was pretty easy too. Mom fought a little but as soon as she was asleep we tee peed the barn with those bandages. We are sure they will wake up in time for feeding. love Milagro and Jasmine.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Admitting my own insanity

We live in the country, way out in the country.  So on the weekends I take husbands daily driver to town to save on gas. GREAT MPG!
So this weekend I ran into town early and was trying to reset the oil indicator on the way.  No Oprah I don't need to take the no text pledge I need to take the do not push the cars buttons while driving pledge.
We have a little town that is a huge speed trap. Always a cop waiting to have a chat and give you a letter of recommendation to the judge. I passed through there okay.
Soon I looked down and I was going 91.  oh yeah, I was just saying wow this car handles nice. Remember I never drive it.   OH CRAP 91,  slam on brakes. 59 feels like the car is not moving,  oh no did I break it already and it has been like 4 miles from the house.  Then down to 45 and it feels like it is standing still.  
Then the idiot light comes on in my head.  I have pushed enough buttons it was set to metric!  
Okay I said wow I am glad that I was not on the end of one of those nice letters allowing me to go to the judge and pay money.
So today Monday we were in husbands car coming from dinner. I told the story and I thought husband was going to crash the car laughing so hard......

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Tip O'the day.

When dealing with the new advisor at the college. She will be stupid and you will hear Charlie Browns mom talking after she steps over the line on the first question.

College books cost more than college.

Even if you have turned the fence off make sure no one has turned it back on before you climb through it. Hitting two hot fence wires will result in extreme back and groin pain.....balls in throat.

Learn to count change.  Today I gave the woman at the window 5 one dollar bills and 3 quarters.  My bill was 5.59  she gave me back a quarter.  Please learn to count change and to be able to break a whole quarter. A quarter is 25 cents. So you need to give me a penny a dime and a nickle.  Or a brown one, a little silver one and a medium silver one with no rough edges.  This was not a young kid either. I would say college age. I bet she is going to college to be a math teacher.

To the carnie that was screaming at my daughter this weekend. She was properly dressed, completely covered wearing jeans and boots. You yelling work it and many other things. First your lucky the only thing she did was flip you off. Second your lucky she did not work the blade in her pocket on your vocal cords or your balls. She gets confused on human anatomy sometimes. Your also so very lucky that she waited to tell us about you yelling at her until we left the fair. Or you would have been working your head out of your ass, because I would have nailed it there along with your balls. Have a nice day!

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Tips for dating our daughter.

While talking to a old friend the other night we were discussing that her daughters boyfriend dumped her. Jackass comes to mind. Then again he was never good enough for her daughter anyway. Having daughters myself and having many neices and friends, we have been through this many times and we thought this list may help out prospective boyfriends.

1. You will come to the door to pick her up. Don't honk in the driveway and expect her to beat me out the door. Ain't gonna happen. You will meet husband or myself instantly, pray it's me. He is really BIG!

2. You can honk in the driveway if both legs are broken, try number 1 and see how that works out for you.

3. Your pants will fit, if not I have many air nailers to help them fit.

4. If you get as far as to be invited into my home your hat better fly off your head like a F-16 was going over.

5. Do not bother to even ask her out if you chew or smoke. I may just have to help your pants fit better. #3.

6. Tatoos and peircings are out. If your momma did not teach you better than to color on yourself that is not my problem and when you drink milk at my house I don't want to see it squirting out some damn hole in your face.

7. For God's sake don't mumble. Much safer to make sure I heard you right that assume you just insulted us or our daughter.

8. You will show our daughter respect at all times. If not I will use that nice little finish nailer on your balls. Your right I like power tools.

9. Do never call our daughter names. Daddy may be quiet until now. But I have seen him pissed and you really want to be right with your God and have your Will in order if you ever get him pissed. Daddy is not into power tools. Have you seen his fist? Probably as big as your head. When I say run well it will be too late sorry his reflexes are better than mine and I am sure I will be laughing too hard to yell run!

10. Don't lie about our daughter. If you do, well 1,3,8, and 9 now that might not be the playing order but we also reserve the right to think up a few more. Lets just say your not leaving with your balls. You thought I had a collection, your right!

11. Don't keep our daughter past curfew. Oh yeah she old enough to date. She is old enough to make her own decisions. We are old enough to go to prison, just remember that we don't care either. Three hots and a cot.

12. Touching, well lets just roll the dice on that one. You roll the dice and we get to do to you what ever number comes up and whatever else we want. Heck the job market is bad, in prison you get a job. Three hots and a cot. Remember we don't care.

13. You have to respect this country and the military, if you don't I suggest you act like a mouse and run as fast as you can out the door. Quick real quick! See keeping your mouth shut on this one did not even do you any good. We saw your hat on your head and your hand down when they played the National Anthem. Sorry the nails will not come out of your hand and your hand looks good over your heart. Permanently.

14. God, well needless to say you better not only respect him but you better fear him, because he put these parents on earth to protect their children. I believe he has a sense of humor. Who do you think got me my nail guns?

15. Do not think your staying at our house unless you are really into sleeping in the same room as my husband. I will be in daughters room with big dogs and real guns and a bad attitude, I like sleeping in my bed and if you have put me out I am already pissed. Think twice about this one.

16. Shall we go onto drinking and or drugs? We are saying NO! I can smell a beer in chicken and tell you what kind they used. Do not think for one second I wont smell it on you. #9 comes to mind.

17. In addition to 16 don't think for one second that I will not run the dogs through your car just for kicks. Oh yeah same dogs I don't know how to call off when they are pissed.

18. Back to #8, Respect goes without saying, Our daughters have many Uncles and Brothers who get pissed when their neice/sister is messed with. I have heard the old saying I have some good old boys who will dig a shallow one for a six pack. Mine will do it for a 3 pack, shallow hell they will pile drive you into the ground. There is the Uncle who likes explosives. Either way Tina Turner was not the only one into RESPECT!

19. You better have a job. She has animals and they get treated better than we do. Which means if your dying of pneumonia and the horse needs a bag of treats. Well what kind of flowers do you like? Yep those are the ones I am sending to your funeral. The horse will get the treats before you get the treatment.

20. You better know how to muck a stall and saddle a horse. Not that she would ever let you touch her horse but you should know just incase. I am sure there will be a quiz on this one.  She works harder than most men, be prepared for a day at the barn or in the pasture. She will promptly tell you to come back when you grow a set if you can't keep up with her.

21. Hair and personal hygene. I am sure my daughter has already picked you for these things. But just incase I have a pair of clippers. So what if they were used on sheep and the dog. It wont hurt a bit hahahaha. I also have a wire brush. So hold still or we can revert back to #3 I am sorta fond of my air tools.

22. I feel we need to go back to #3 and add a little side note. I will never see your drawers, underwear, boxers, or what ever the hell you want to call them. I also will not see any crack. I will super glue your crack shut and then nail your pants up right where I think they should be, got it Steve Urkel? If your too young for that one I suggest you do a google on that name and get the picture real quick.

23. Do not think that you and daughter are leaving town, as in running away because your so in love or heat. I just laugh at this point because you have no idea who my friends are and we will go back to #18 at this time.

24. Do not try to keep my daughter away from her friends or family. We are very close. You on the other hand are an outsider. YOU WILL NOT WIN! Let us reflect on #14 at this time. God is my friend.

25. Saving the best for last,  If you ever hit/shove/push or throw anything at our daughter, well there will be no words spoken,  I will beat you to death with my bare hands. Got it? Three hots and a cot.

26. Now I think that you have gotten the hint. Do not hurt our little girls. They have family that will get very ugly all over you. When I say ALL OVER I really mean it as in every square inch, every pore. I believe in God and I believe in HELL and I will personally deliver you there if you hurt my child. Any questions?

27. Daddy says remember we shoot first and ask questions later.

28. Daughter loves the list.  Says 1 tat is a maybe.  But the big thing is you better be able to debate.  hahahaha we call it hold your own in an argument with her.  She says it is debate the issues (look up Lincoln/Douglas. We think it could be argue to the death?  I think she is going to be a member of congress, lawyer, or president.  She will admit when she is wrong.

29. To the 20 something guy that was hitting on her today,  you should have read this blog first. Pay close attention to #5 and come back next never she says.

30. There are so many tips in here... Food, Yes she is a little thing. You might think she is a salad kind of girl. Let me wake you up a little I have seen this young woman eat 4 hours on one filet of King Salmon. Yes 4 hours enjoying every little bite of it. No she is not a slow eater. The whole Salmon was 58 lbs.  We finally took the food away from her.
Oh and believe me she is not a vegetarian.  She believes if it walks across her plate and moo's she will stab it, cut a hunk off it and eat it. 
Which brings me to the fact that one day you will possibly want to take her to dinner.  This could be a problem.  She will always come with her own ability to pay for HER meal.  She will order what she wants to eat. And if she is really hungry keep your hands out of her way.
Do never try to out hot her at a Mexican restaurant. She is not going to eat at Taco Bell either.
She may decide to order that pie first and your going to say your eating dessert before your meal and she is going to tell you she might die before dessert.  You have so much to learn. 
Oh if she gets over hungry,  it could go a couple ways,  she might not feel well, or she will get UGLY mean.  Trust me you better hope they both don't happen at the same time.
31. Facial hair,  well all I can say is NO. She calls them bugs.

Of course this is all posted for entertainment value.  hahahahaa I still have humor.
If I have forgotten anything please feel free to comment at your leisure.